Lady of Shalott

What a poem. Descriptive and intense. How much I wish to relate...
from the analysis.. the Lady is tired of looking at life only as a reflection. That's how I seem to feel, nothing is really my own, just the same as everyone else's... and I want to be me and remember who I was.


Also, in the Greek myth, Penelope, the wife of Ulysses, avoided men who wanted to court her while her husband was away by constantly weaving, but then unravelling her work at night so that she would never be done. This is an appropriate allusion because both Penelope and the Lady of Shalott use their craft as a substitute for human involvement. Strangely, the Lady does not know why she has to avoid direct interaction, nor does she seem to care.


Human involvement and direct interaction. Here comes the artwork... that will take up my time.. and never be finished ;)

Summer

For the past 2 months or so my summer has been that of a younger me... without work, without any sort of responsibility besides babysitting and cleaning and working on things for my own satisfaction..

My morning consists of sleeping in, waking up, getting on the computer, finally getting out of bed, eating some kind of breakfast (usually cereal), then turning on the tv and watching none other than yes, Spongebob Squarepants. And after a little bit of the tube... I finally go get some things done, whether it's painting furniture, cleaning the house, packing, or spending time with D (on a short work day for him of course).

Eventually it's lunch time, a late lunch that is since my day began around 10 or 11. My lunch usually consists of a Katie Wolf turkey sandwich with chips, water with ice, and that's about it. Never gets old. After that some time I finally shower, get clean and attempt to look acceptable to go out of the house. Then my evenings are usually spent with my lover whether we're playing tennis, watching shark week, relaxing, sippin on drinks, taking a walk, babysitting together, etc.

And that's been the majority of my summer. Relaxation and laziness at its finest. Besides the fact that I've barely made a cent this summer, I'm pretty ok with it. I don't need much. College expenses have been good to me, tuition at least. And I've factored that with my apartment and groceries, it's the same amount of money as the dorms and meal plan last year... so after my parents deal with this year. I'm making it easy to the extreme for them next year. They deserve that. Millersville... cheapo. Living at home? cheapest. There's no breaking the bank there. Although I will need a car... and I deserve that haa. Maybe there will be a car with a cd player, air conditioning, and no ghetto looking side doors in my future.. just maybe. And I figure once I live at home, I will acquire a stable, better job where I can attempt to save every drop of money I get. For the rest of my life that is...

There's my plan that I've conjured up throughout my seemingly-worthless summer days...
A few more years of dependence until I break free for real, no matter where that may be.

Eat. Pray. Love.

      Simple, simple words with so much meaning behind them. Yes, I went to see the film with my girlfriends and yea, of course, I knew I would be inspired. The sites and smells of Rome, the serenity and peace of India, and the adventure and romance of Bali. What a wonderful journey, someone else's journey. Although, one day, I hope those places become a part of mine, for now it made me focus on my own present journey... and that is taking me back to Philadelphia at the heart of north philly... home sweet 19th and diamond. 
      The return of school couldn't come at a better time I suppose.. for awhile I was dreading it with my entire being, but now I'm seeing it in a whole new light. I'm ready for a change of place, a change of pace, a change of people, a change of surroundings, a change of home... I'm ready for a routine, for focusing on what's important. I'm so sick of the drama of the summer, the drama that my so-called friends conjure up. I'm so done with high school, I'm so done with the attitudes of that age, of that scene. Why can't people let it go? 
       I've finally learned to stand up for myself and tell people like it is. And it's about time... I was half-depressed last semester because I couldn't let myself out or express myself to my roommate. But everything is going to change this year, it already has. I know what I'm aiming for this year and what I'm aiming for next year, I know who I want to be, not necessarily 'what' I want to be. And that's fine. I know who I want to be with me on my journey, the people that are happy to see me happy and the people that I appreciate to have in my life.
        So cheers... to a new year of college in a new home with a new outlook, attitude, and style.


I am blessed.

Clarity

             Somehow everything is always clearer in words... more thought-out, more structured, more to-the-point and almost more convincing. It's been a rough week or so with more hurtles than imagined. Ridiculous, unrealistic situations you could only find in cheesy movies or teenage 'novels' and with more serious and wild emotions you could only truly feel in reality. Conflict and confusion, self-consciousness, pride, desperation, shock... love. Should it be easy to love? If it were why would the real thing be worth it? How do you know that you're truly putting someone else before yourself? It's extremely difficult to not be biased. How do you know how to react, to be the non-condemning friend or show how you selfishly really feel because they want to see how you're effected as well? So overwhelming, every single process, every thought and every question, it's no wonder, as humans, we get overloaded mentally, emotionally, and spiritually when so many uncalled-for bumps pop up along the way.
              The only thing you can be completely sure of is how you, yourself, feel. And for some people, more so than others, being completely sure of yourself is a rarity, especially for me. Being one of the most indecisive and apathetic people I know, it's extraordinary when I feel 100% about something, especially a feeling, or moreover, a person. I have learned a lot throughout my experimental and blessed 19 years of life. Enough to know how I feel and why and how I come to that decision. I completely believe that everything happens for a reason and that if one minor detail was changed, I wouldn't be where I am today. And where I am is where I'm happy, the happiest I have been in my entire life with many people to thank for that.
             I'm going to college because it's what I've always had planned for myself to accomplish, I'm aiming to be an art teacher because of the incredible background and influential moments and people that I've had in my life. I'm experiencing my own apartment in Philadelphia to become more independent and perceive everything in a new and more responsible light. I get to enjoy an extremely laid back summer in a home where I've never felt more comfortable or at home since december where I can relax and have the people that matter in my life join me. I have friends that I feel comfortable sharing how I actually feel and know that they will understand and be there for me, because we've made it this far. As well as a family that still remains under one roof as tough as it may be because of our differences... 
             And last but not least, I have someone who means the world to me. Someone who has taught me what it is to love, to care, and to truly understand someone else. A 16 yr. old girl's crush, that turned into an infatuation, which turned into a fairy tale, which turned into reality, which turned into love. Real love. I have never wanted so much for someone else in my whole life, I believe that many aspects of my personality and my antics have matured over even the past 9 months since reaching college and independence. I'm not a silly high school girl who hurts people because she can anymore, and I haven't been for awhile now. I have learned how to forgive others, as well as myself, because that's really what this life is about. Laying down your pride, knowing you're no better than anyone else, owning up to your flaws. I've been humbled by love through someone I love, deeply love and care about and couldn't imagine losing. I'm satisfied and I'm happy and it's enough. 

Today

Today consists of organizing my art corner in the party room... a much bigger job than one would think. Lots of organizing and cleaning for one little corner but i'm on my way to a neat, organized, colorful space :) it'll be so nice to start using it for its purpose...

sneak peek...

Keys to my new home

I just realized that the only time my blog gets updated is when I am sitting in my dorm room twin-sized bed feeling overwhelmed with emotions or feeling like I have absolutely nothing else to do except blog about my life and make it sound interesting. 


It's been an eventful 3 MONTHS!!!


It's crazy how fast time flies... with only about a month and a half until I return to philly, summer will end sooner than I think :( The good news is that this year, Mere, Danielle, & I have decided to be on our own in our own homeee :) We have acquired a beautiful new apartment on the corner of 19th and Diamond with incredible bay windows and I am in LOVE with my room, I'm so anxious to decorate and move furniture around and have visitors :) I think the responsibility is a necessary step and a necessary experience but after this year.. I may take a different course of action.


Anyways, here are some pictures of my new home sweet home:

the window in my room :)

my closett

One view from my window
Oh the streets of Philly

our bathroom
with double sinks ;)

Our living space/entry to the kitchen

& our miniature kitchen








YAYYY!

The Hardest Part

Some nights my mind doesn't stop. I can't stop it and there's no outlet. Realizing that there's no one else you can turn to... no one close enough. The loneliness devours you whole. It eats at you from the inside. There's no controlling it and there's no escape. You wrap yourself up so tight, no one else can pry themselves in. You get so used to keeping it in, remaining passive, letting it all go by... nothing can affect you. But it does. It eventually all adds up. Piles up within and then you're stuck. A point of no return. Closing yourself up from the world because no one would understand. You're in this place where no one really knows your name and if they do, they don't know you. Even if they pretend to want to. They never will. Stuck in this place where people don't really care. You have no one. In this vast sea of concrete and gravel, noise, endless noise, shamelessness and apathy, you don't even have your privacy, let alone your own time. Constantly surrounded. Endlessly. Continuously taking it in. But not letting it out. The hardest part.