Why does it always feel this way? I don't know where to turn to fill this void. It's there, i've realized. But no one can fill it. Not even someone who once could. Not the person i spontaneously chose right after. Not the determined one who wanted so badly to prove something. And now not the new one; the stimulating one. None. No one. It all leads to the same conclusion. Why even try. Or get your hopes up every time. Or waste your time and thought. Hmm? Beats me. We'll wait and see. Really the only thing to do these days...

mmmm coffee..

Well, it's official. my family is moving, 
yes, MOVING. one house over. HA! 
oh, how long it's been that we've talked 
about moving and now that I'm in 
college, not even living there anymore, 
they finally decide to move. literally 10 
ft. away. wow. I'm soo excited though,
its indescribable... I am glad that I get 
to miss all the work that needs to be 
done to our current house.. but it's all 
a very exciting process. Christmas 
2009 in our new home.. and winter 
break as well ;) it will be a good 
time haha.
                                                                                                                
                       

    hmm also, there's "a new hope" within me. thank you for that.

who knows what will happen... i've missed you. sincerely. it was
only a matter of time, as usual. i don't know why it is this way,
but somehow it always is. it always finds its way. eventually.




                                                                                                                                

I'm also excited for HALLOWEEN.
although, again, I'm paranoid of the 
po po. oh well, audrey hepburn must 
make an appearance at BOO-fest.

and, my love, heather may make 

an appearance as well :)

that would just be the icing on my cake.

Maybe it's time for a real post? i guess so... 


Well, over the past weekend I was reunited with my best friend and a bunch of my best guy friends from the 717.
Also, attended another party at "MKU" as it is now officially named. That was a good time, until I fell in the mud trying to save code from jumping into the pool in the pouring rain/30 degree weather for the 3rd time... why did i even try? I finally brought him back him and made his mud-filled self take a hot shower.. thankfully andy took over.


Somehow I ended up at E-town college with my best friend justin.. so i ended up staying the night there and unfortunately my roomie danielle was no longer there with her bf; they were living it up in NYC! I'm a tad jealous.


Anyways, I made it home and was ready to come back here.. philly, home sweet home.


Until... tues. morning I awoke with the common stuffy nose, congested cough, etc. No biggie.
It worstened to a 101 degree fever, dizziness, flu symptoms... ahhhhh! Why was I one of the million infested??!
Damn cv infested students.. oh well, I was determined to conquer this.
So i've been miserable since tuesday and now its friday but things are looking up.. I'm positive my fever broke and i'm starting to feel better, back to the common cold symptoms.. the end is near.


As for the other aspects of my life, other things aren't looking so good...
it's just easier to describe in song..


"I tried to go on like I never knew you
I’m awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete

Voices tell me I should carry on
But I am swimming in an ocean all alone
Baby, my baby
It’s written on your face
You still wonder if we made a big mistake"


No one says its quite like the backstreet boys...

There's beauty in the breakdown..

"We seen the worst and felt the pain.
Cloudy weather filled with rain.
United we stand, divided we fall.
They can't break me not at all."
                                                                                              
"I'm talented with reason
I cover all the angles.
I can fail before I ever try.

Try to understand there's an old mistake
that fools will make and,
I'm the king of them
pushing everything that's good away so,
Won't you hold me now? (I will not bend, I will not break)
Won't you hold me now? (I will not bend, I will not break)

I am fairly agile
I can bend and not break
Or I can break and take it with a smile.

And I am so resilient
I recover quickly
I'll convince you soon that I am fine"
                                                                                                
"Cause behind its door there's nothing to keep my fingers warm
And all i find are souvenirs from better times
Before the gleam of your taillights fading east
To find yourself a better life.

I was searching for some legal document
As the rain beat down on the hood
When i stumbled upon pictures i tried to forget
And that's how this idea was drilled into my head

Cause it's too important
To stay the way it's been

There's no blame for how our love did slowly fade
And now that it's gone it's like it wasn't there at all
And here i rest where disappointment and regret collide
Lying awake at night"
                                                                                                                              
"Paranoia is hunting you and all these dirty looks, they are right on cue
You're full up to the brim with that he said she said trash
You exist behind your keyboard then you're gone in a flash

10 bucks says you don't have it in you
To conquer fear and quit believing what they tell you to
You are careening shamelessly into oblivion
Where you will live alone with your chemicals and gin

I am utterly disgusted with the path you trek
As inebriated as you can get off your latest pay check
I am at a loss for words here
I hate to break this to you but being a coward is not a legitimate career"
                                                                                                
"Fill these spaces up with days
in my room you can go you can stay

I can't sleep
I can't speak to you
I can't sleep

Now these years locked on my drawer
I'll open to see just to be sure

I can't sleep
I can't speak to you
I can't sleep

And so i'm reaching out for the one
And so i've learned the meaning of the sun
And all this like a message comes to shift my point of view
And watching through my own light
As it tints the shade of you

Hold my wine hold it in
Nobody's lost but nobody wins"
                                                                                               
"the rhythm of my footsteps crossing flood lands 
to your door have been silenced forever more.
the distance is quite simply much too far for me to row
it seems farther than ever before
oh no.

I need you so much closer"
                                                                                             
"Hey, are you lonely?
Has summer gone so slowly?
We found the ground,
but that damage was done.
It's cold as you fade into the sun.
Where'd you go? To me?
But you're alive!
Well, it's only
fallen frames, they told me.
You stand out, it's so loud...
and so what if it is.
It's cold when you fade into the wind.
Where'd it go to?

So what if you catch me,
where would we land?
In somebody's life
forsaking his hands.
Sing to me hope as she's
thrown on the sand.
All of your works
are rated again.
Where to go?

But it's all wrong, you're so strong.
But this life's work
and choice took far too long.

Where'd it go to?

You know I love you.
You know I love you .
I want you oh so much."
                                                                                               
"I pictured you in the sun wondering what went wrong
And falling down on your knees asking for sympathy
And being caught in between all you wish for and all you seen
And trying to find anything you can feel that you can believe in

May God's love be with you
Always....
May God's love be with you

I know i would apologize if i could see your eyes
'Cause when you showed me myself, you know, i became someone else
But i was caught in between all you wish for and all you need
I pictured you fast asleep"
                                                                                                
"Everybody wants to be loved
every once in a while
we all need someone to hold on to
just like a helpless child
can you whisper in my ear
let me know it's alright
it's been a long time coming
down this road
and now i know
what i've been waiting for
and like a lonley highway
i'm trying to get home
ooo loves been a long time coming
you can look for a lifetime
you can love for a day
you can think you got everything but
everything is nothing when you throw it away
then you look in my eyes
and i have it all
once again"
                                                                          
"It's that time of year,
Leave all our hopelessnesses aside (if just for a little while)
Tears stop right here,
I know we've all had a bumpy ride (I’m secretly on your side)

Lie down
Deep breaths
Count to ten
Nod your head"
                                                                                               
"I've seen a palace in London, I've seen a castle in Wales
but I'd rather wake up beside you and breathe that ol' familiar smell
I never thought you could leave me, I figured I was the one
but I understand your sadness so I guess I should just hold my tongue

But I'm comin' home, I'm comin' home

I know that we're takin' chances, you told me life was a risk
but I just have one last question...
will it be my heart or will it be his?"

Realizations;;

   A dear friend made it apparent to me as to why something isn't quite right, what my deal is, and how to explain my actions/reactions... I don't know why I didn't see things this way before. They made me question..


       how is it that one person can effect so much even after they're non-existent?
Or maybe it's that I'm letting it effect me... I'm not sure.


Either way, it leaves me with two options; Get over it or well... the other will be left unsaid.
That's the root of my problem.. at least I know where to begin now.


As another dear friend pointed out.. stop worrying. Take time for yourself; there's an abundance of it.
With time and effort; the rest will fall into place. As for now, I'll try to stop worrying, although it's not in my nature to do so...

I'm bad news;

I'm not what I appear to be; I'm an illusion; concealing secret parts of me from your prying eyes.


I don't know what I'm doing; I don't know where I'm heading; I don't know how I got here.


I'd never ask anyone to stay or understand.


It's just another battle that I need to conquer to continue on my path.


I'm sorry, I am. I don't realize what I do.

I don't know what it is about fall.

Fall is my season; the irony of the name. I don't know why, but with every fall comes fresh beginnings and many choices to make. Every single year; it's strange.

I feel like the past keeps repeating itself but in new places, with different people, and compelling extremes.

I just want to sit back and meditate on the next move to make; seclude this constant stream of thoughts...

...:::glass:::...

I watch you pass
As I stare through the glass
One last glance,
One last chance...


Do you see me?
I never know
If you do,
It doesn't show.


I hope you're well,
I hope you're smiling;
If you're not,
I'd never tell.


It's okay, we're young,
We have time.
There's always room,
For another surprise.

addictions:;

I liked to think that I didn't have any addictions; that I didn't like routine;

that addiction equals bad news; No need to ever experience withdrawal...

Too bad college proved me wrong... again.

Once upon a time I was not a fan of sushi, or even coffee, or the fact that facebook and I had to spend some quality time together... daily.

Hmm... how drastically things have changed and turned into routine.

I've found that routine is necessary, if even just a little bit, to get by.

Even things that we don't think about can become addictions... the sound of someone's voice,

sarcasm; to find humor in anything, just to laugh a little, or just to make a certain someone smile...